I have tried to start this blog numerous times but the thought of re-hashing all that has happened to lead me to this point seems way too daunting! So I have decided (with giving a little background) that I am just going to start my blog journey from right here and now.
But first that little background that i promised..
I grew up a little on the chunky side (not as overweight as I thought though looking back). I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. When i went away to college I finally had success in the never-ending quest to lose weight and get to a size i deemed appropriate. Little did i know that I was going down a path that would be extremely hard to get off of. Although i had lost most of that “unwanted” weight, there was always “a little more to lose”, and the more i tried to reach that unreachable goal the more drastic my measures became. For me it was never about binging and purging but all about restriction. For the past 7 years I have been fighting and struggling to get free from this “obsession to be thin” and the eating disorder that has been truly running my life. I have started to realize that as my body changed (which i am not going to lie..i really enjoyed) my mind and world/body view changed as well. Although i know I am small that is now was I see when i look in the mirror. One of the hardest parts is that while I love God and want to serve him and the purpose he has for me I have been unwilling to let go of this part of my life, I don’t want to give up my control…but I am slowly learning that what God has for me is even better than what I feel I can “control”.
Recently I have been having some health problems related to my lack of eating, which scared me, and have started to allow me to see that I am not treating the body that God gave me right and that my problem affects more than just me. Even though I am not looking forward to gaining weight and all that that entails, I want to be around for my family and be able to raise a family with my hubby. Right now i am also struggling with infertility which I do believe is a result of not eating. I have the most amazing husband that supports me in everything and loves me no matter what i look like, and it kills me to know that the decisions that I have made and continue to struggle with might make it so that I can’t provide him with children or worse cut my own life short.
This is not an easy thing to get over (believe me i have tried a couple of times). My goal for this blog is to work through this process, learn to accept who God made me to be and hopefully provide some encouragement to others who are dealing with the same issues (or similar or know some one who is). I will give you fair warning that the posts might not always be fun or light or entertaining but they will be real. You may wonder about the title..well basically I am searching for what Gods purpose is for my life and not what I am constantly reading in magazines (which i tend to read like they are the bible) and basing my life off of the fact that I worthwhile if i can still fit into my skinny jeans. I promise though..there will be some fun and light stuff too! Please join me on my journey..
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